Updated: Aug 26
I have always been considered to be an independent woman with a strong mind, no nonsense attitude and a smart mouth. For many, these qualities are considered negatives but for me, these qualities saved me. They saved me from bullies, they saved me from predators, and they saved me from the wailing mess I nearly become after my divorce. These qualities stem from the never-ending confidence built within my being, it comes from desire and the ambition to be more and do more. But then, what do we do?
We fall in love and all the mushy stuff, butterflies etc. show up and fuck up our common sense. Yes, I said it. I’m not about to lie. I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I am a born nurturer, I live and breath the need to love, care and protect. I am also a traditionalist and am highly attracted to masculinity so being a wife was a major part of the plan. However, I didn’t realise that Charm the goal getter and Charm the wife would have conflict. I wanted it all, I wanted a career I loved, children I could take and pick up from school and a husband to cater to but I also wanted a career that enabled me to travel, produces multiple income streams. A career that I loved so much that I woke up with it on my mind and let’s not forget paid me a beautiful wage. You see the conflict right? With Charm the wife came responsibilities that hindered the success of Charm the goal getter. You see, love encouraged the nurturer within me to slip my wants and needs to the side for the sake of the empire.
My role became a safe, secure and attentive mother and wife and the risk-taking entrepreneurial spirit took a back seat. Fulfilment and contentment stepped in and I lived a cushy life playing house in a job that paid for my luxuries because of course my husband paid all the bills. If I’m really honest, I was living the dream. Not necessarily my dream but the dream of many. My dreams were not crushed but they had to be incorporated into the needs of my family, our empire. I understand that the most powerful people are those who have created an unbreakable empire and that became the new dream. However, it has unsuccessful. The older the children became, the more my husband and I wanted different things. We all know that the empire has essential players and if they fall off, the empire crumbles. My past has taught me a lot about my self, my goals, my strengths and my weaknesses. It’s only fair to share my lessons.
I am fortunate to have found love again but this time it’s an intense, passionate, fun love. Love with a person who makes me feel free, special and cared for. He speaks my love language and I speak his however every so often, l sink into this comfortable safe cloud and live there fulfilled. It draws me away from my goals and I’m convinced it draws him away from his. Personal goals are immensely important to the development of self. Achievement has a habit of boosting our confidence and making us feel fulfilled. The benefits of our personal goals have a long-lasting feeling of fulfilment when compared to that of love because it is not reliant on anyone else but yourself. As you know, goals are my life and I fell behind, yes you heard right, me, the original goal getter fell off target. I am not ashamed, I am comfortable holding myself accountable accountable and being crazy in love has kept me beaming and loving in la la land.
As 2019 drew upon us, I knew I had to set some real tangible personal goals, goals that would seriously shape the future of my children and I. So I did. I set the intention and I grabbed the notebook and I prepped for success. Success to me means that I could be immersed in love but had to be focused on legacy. If I lost myself in love, how could I make rational life decisions? In my previous work I have spoken about how distractions such as people, places and things can knock us out of sync and the only way to stay on track is to be accountable for your decisions and your journey. Love is beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding but do not sink into contentment when you have ladders to climb. The beauty of building is that your partner is also building, if he/she is not building, they have already achieved their goals which means the support will be great (if it’s not, say bye). Goals do not have to be entrepreneurial; they don’t even have to be huge. Goals are the path towards the life you want to live. Once you and your partner have achieved your individual and joint life goals, there will be an alignment which can only benefit your union. However, my mistake in the past was that I did not have any individual goals, I worked solely on joint goals that would support a legacy my family had not yet achieved. The problem is that when my marriage broke down those goals were unobtainable as an individual so at the age of 35, I had to start again, rebuilding alone. This however has been the most empowering experience of my life.
What I have learned on this beautiful journey is that I am able to stand on my own two feet without the fear of falling. I have learned that my wants and needs are two very different things. My new relationship is based not on dependency but interdependency. We are focused on building a solid foundation of strength, resilience and love. We have learnt how to grow individually, how to support each other’s growth, as well as how to stay focused on our goals and prepare for our future together.
Being an activist for self love means to share ways in which we can serve ourselves positively, creating a fulfilled life, confident and resilient. Falling in love has a way of distracting us from serving ourselves fully. Love yourself hard as you do your partner.