Initially, I was not able to fully comprehend what I was feeling, the pain was real, it was there, it hurt but yet it was somehow numb. Logically, I knew what was going on but I felt trapped. I told my closest friends I was okay because I was, I wasn’t dead, I was healthy, work was growing at a good pace and my children were great. There just wasn’t a description that could explain the trapped woman inside of me. It was like she was running around inside of my head, kicking and screaming to get out, jumping up and down on my brain, fighting to find a way out. There was no physical pain but I felt her.
Even though I grew up surrounded by single mothers and absent fathers, I never believed I would be one. I completed every single risk assessment, planned and plotted to ensure that my family would be different, I would be the example for the next generation. My mother had dubbed us posh and becks because we were solid and when the Obama’s arrived on our screens, they quickly became my hero’s. Strong, committed, powerful, black love. The type of love that we were told didn’t exist, the type of love we very rarely see, well here it was, on television and I also had it.
The woman inside my head weighed me down and by the end of every day, I would be exhausted and in floods of tears. Every day, the resentment grew, the constant ‘are you okay’s?’ became an annoyance and every time someone asked, I imagined myself kicking the crap out of them, however, just smiled and said ‘of course’. I mean, what was I going to say ‘no I’m not, I can’t get this stupid cow inside my head to shut up, help me to get her out’. What would people say? Can you imagine? I knew I was just about coping however, I also understood there was a process that I had to go through before it would get easier. I just needed to figure that out and then like the goal-getter I am, I could start planning………
I typed into google ‘I have just separated from my husband’ and up popped forum discussions, articles, what to do next advice and quickie divorces. I spent what felt like hours reading the stories of other women in my position and I notice that I could not hear the woman in my head. It was so peaceful, I had forgotten what it felt like without her so I continued to read until 2am. Just as I was about to log off, I saw a link to the seven stages of grief. I studied them and realised that I was in the depression stage, the stage when you have fully realised where you are and just living each day without actually moving forward. It hit me that I only had two more stages to go through in order to be free from this noise in my head and out came the notepad. It was time to plan.
I wrote the title 'happiness' and drew two columns. The first column said my girls and the second said Charm. I listed all that we needed to progress emotionally, physically and financially and I went to sleep. That was the first time since the separation that I slept peacefully. After that I focused on the list, crossing off each and every achievement and rewarding myself for doing it (Which meant a trip to the nail salon every week for a fresh manicure, pedicure and or massage). I went into self-development overdrive. I created my dream wall, I completed mirror work daily including reciting affirmations, every time I was tested at work, by the children or even by my ex, I mentally focused on being grateful for all I had and all that I had coming to me. Then one day while doing mirror work, I looked at myself and I saw it! The fire, the beauty, the gratitude, the flaws, the forgiveness and the love, all staring at me, smiling, nodding and I knew I had made it out the other side. It had been twelve months of internal healing and building, my routine had become such a habit that I hadn’t even stopped to analyse if I had achieved my goal but here I was, no pain, no resentment, forgiveness and an absolute boss.
During my rehabilitation, I chose a new focus. Business and self. I reached out to clients from my previous coaching practice and told them I was back, I started coaching people again on topics such as goal setting and meeting targets. I used some of the money to run events for creatively talented young people and use the rest to pay off my debts. The one thing I didn’t want to do was be a single mum on a low income riddled with debt. I knew that if at any point my husband decided to fall into the deadbeat distant dad role, I would be on my own, struggling, barely able to keep my head above water. It was always my idea that it was better to be broke with no debt, then to be broke with debt so I hustled and paid it off. I reached my goal.
As a young girl, I was always confident, I believed in my abilities, I was unaffected by the opinions of others and now that I had transitioned, I had advanced to a higher state of consciousness. I understood the power of visualisation, I understood how to manifest things and how to remain in a positive state in order to attract as much positivity as I could. My mindset shifted, I chose to love before anything else because in life, nothing else really matters.
When I look back at the scared, lonely and fearful woman I was, I remember the darkness and how much I had kept from others because I lacked the words to describe my pain. I was in agony knowing that my girls would now be judged and slip into the disadvantaged category and would possibly be raised on state benefits with little hope of them shaking the title.
My top tips:
Speak, scream, shout or write, I was fortunate to have left my dark place but not everyone does.
Set clear boundaries with your ex. Negativity energy is catching. If you are still moving through the seven stages. Limit your time around each other.
Don’t be ashamed. If you receive benefits, so what? This is not permanent unless you do not progress. Use every resource that you’re entitled to, to get on your feet. All the best mumpreneurs started from the bottom,
Plan and action your goals. To be successful, you have to progress. Goal achievement is progress
It will be hard especially if you don’t have a support network. Do not give up ever!
Celebrate every damn win, even if it is cleaning up the house.
So here I am today, winning every single day, raising two beautiful daughters and creating a lifestyle that I never feel I have to run away from. My goal was to learn how to be happy on my own with no restrictions, to just be free. Regardless of the struggles that occur in my life, every day I remind myself that I am living my freedom lifestyle.
Love from Charm x
Beautiful Artwork by Vickie Ward Fine Art