Updated: Aug 26
The short answer is because they want to. However, there are so many reasons as to what leads a person to consciously risk it all for short term and sometimes long-term pleasure.
My reasons for writing this are not to give the cheater any empathy or to give the person who has been cheated on explanation. However, it is an insight into my personal opinions on how we as individuals behave. So many studies have been done but to be honest, it is a conversation that is regularly discussed in my culture. There has been multiply conversations about men needed to get ‘it’ out of their systems before they’re old or women trying to keep up. There is also the notion that women cheating is much worse than men cheating because they connect emotionally, and men don’t. Men simply have a physical need and then it’s over.
Many of you know that I have had many conversations with you on this topic, I have had my own experiences and let’s not forget the various online studies and questions. My partner and I regularly debate about this topic and how our experiences have impacted our behaviour and we very rarely agree. Like many others, his belief is superficial, not enough intimacy, attention or quality time whereas my opinion is based on a person’s emotional compass. It is a necessity to feed the minds of our partner and to be committed to the vision you have together. The reason cheating occurs is because people are not committed to the value of family and the building of the empire is first and foremost.
Let’s get into it further.
People cheat because.......
1. They can.
Some people know that their partner loves them so much and will pretty much forgive most things. Knowing that you have a partner like this makes you feel confident that no matter how many fuck ups you have, after a bit of consoling, gift buying and quality time spent together, you will rebuild.
It sounds harsh but it’s the truth, the person that accepts this behaviour is usually the ride or die chick convinced that he would grow up and change once he is the next phase of his life. During the wait, her self-esteem is crap, she’s probably very beautiful but doesn’t know it and hides behind fashion, make up and friends to fill the void that is respect and love.
2. Dating with no commitment
This is the most popular one. When we are dating, there is absolutely no commitment and shouldn’t be until discussed. Once discussed that you are exclusive, you are in a relationship. I have been shot down many a time for this opinion, but I don’t care. Dating is to discover whether this person is ideal for a relationship, it should not be for fun. Who has time and money to waste on fun? That what my friends are for.
To those who just find someone attractive but have no intention of being in a relationship, dating is manipulation. There are conversations that can be had over the phone, social media etc. to test sexual chemistry and proceed onto having your sexual relationship. There is no judgement out here, there are plenty of women who do not want a relationship but by dating regularly you are luring them into the idea that you want more. I also find that people will act like they want more when in fact they want a regular sex partner.
3. They are not emotionally attached to their partner
Some couples love each other immensely, their families are their priority and they have goals and dreams of ensuring the family’s success. It looks like a beautiful version of relationship goals but deep down there is a disconnect. A disconnect emotionally is probably the worst thing that can happen to a relationship. A emotional connection is what partners need to feel loved, to feel secure and to empathises with each other. A lack of connection leads to a lack of communication and that leads to selfishness.
A lack of connection opens you up to the attention of others. The fact that you are not emotionally connected to your partner means you’ll react to the attention of others. It’s a natural human experience, we love our egos stroked. This is the most dangerous cause of cheating because there is very rarely guilt after cheating. It’s a case of you had your chance and someone took the opportunity to see me, love me and have fun with me. You didn’t!
4. The grass is greener syndrome
It is important for me to stress that the grass is rarely greener. It looks fresh, it looks appealing and the desire to roam across a brand-new garden is hard to resist. However, after you’ve rolled around in the new garden, you realise how amazing the grass in your own garden was. You knew exactly where the sun hits, where you had planted your seeds and the areas that don’t get much light but felt like home. The majority of those that suffer from this syndrome regret it and find it difficult to move on completely. The reason why is because they will always compare their new garden to the comforts of the previous garden. One of the difficulties is watching the seeds that you planted in your garden being tended to by someone new and knowing that you can only watch from afar.
Some people will be fortunate and be forgiven for their mistakes but in todays society, forgiveness is taken advantage of and mistakes become a pattern.
5. Values and beliefs change
Evolution is inevitable and as we grow, our vision changes and this can alter our values and beliefs. Who we are and what we want in our twenties are different to what we want in our forties. The downside to this is that a commitment has been made to the person you are with. If what you stand for becomes contradictory to that of your partner, it invites conflict into the relationship. We underestimate our much things can change over years and boom, just like that, there’s a disconnect. Disconnect leads to space for others to fill.
6. Lack of SEX or intimacy
Okay, let us discuss one of my favourite topics, sex. One of the things I hate is when people play down the importance of sex and intimacy. Sex is a form of communication; it enhances intimacy and if done correctly supports the release of endorphins. If sex loses its importance, another form of intimacy must take place and no amount of love and commitment can replace it. I am not saying relationships cannot survive without sex because it definitely can, these relationships thrive on emotional intimacy and building a deep bond that is related to their values and beliefs. There is still sexual chemistry but they are choosing to connect on emotional intimacy rather than just physical. The importance of this is that they are prepared for difficult times when drawing on the physical may not be possible. Either way, sex (or some form of intimacy) is just as important as trust, commitment and love.
Many people lack the ability to discuss sexual desires and needs, what feels good and what doesn’t. Women don’t want to be seen as over experienced and men don’t want to have their ego bruised. The lack of sex is not the problem, the lack of conversation is the problem.
I am sure that there are many other reasons why people cheat but I’d like to believe I’ve covered them all. I probably haven’t. What I do know, cheating is a selfish act, one that people turn to when they feel that their needs are not being met. It is the result of the inability to communicate effectively with your partner and focused solely on individual feeling rather than the unit you are trying to build. I have been asked if I believe that men cheat more than women, my answer is I do not know. What I do know is when there is a disconnect, the work that needs to be put in to reconnect is sometimes too painful. Not everyone is willing to do the work and if I’m honest, it’s not always worth it.
Love from Charm x