Updated: Aug 26
During my time journeying through the personal development industry, one of the most common questions I get is on the topic of trust. Trusting the process, trusting others and even trusting self. I would be lying if I told you I had mastered the art of trust; I am not there at all. Having said that I am not convinced that trust is a vital component on my journey of self. I would like to tell you to trust people until they give you a reason not to, but something deep within me is not ready to take this notion on as my truth.
My experiences have scarred me, and I have had to learn to lead with love and give people the opportunity to step within my walls. It hasn’t been easy because with every step, I am chaperoning them, so never fully allowing my emotions to encompass the feeling of trust. While on my journey to learning about the new Charm Lawrence, I encountered many new friendships, relationships and situationships and none even entered my emotional space, let alone wander around it. So, when the time came when I had to trust, the journey was interesting to say the least. I have not discussed this topic in depth with anyone so count yourselves lucky.
In order to develop trust in others, I must accept that at any point I can have my trust broken and will have to pick up the pieces and start the process all over again. It seems like such a tragedy, but life is just that. I mean, in the end we all die. No one survives and, in the process, our emotional scale will take a battering. Much of my work focuses on being emotionally intelligent, knowing my worth and being self-aware. So much so that I can predict how I will react and how to pick myself up. I know, I know, sounds depressing doesn’t it but I guess that depends on the angle you look at it. I have learnt that people will lie to you to shield you from pain (or so they say) but we all know that I love to study behaviour and the truth according to me is that people lie to protect themselves from the consequences of their behaviour. Once deceit is present, trust will be compromised.
The road to rebuilding trust is a very difficult one, one that requires you to forsake all ego and submit to the emotional needs of the one hurt. This is not to say that you are not having your own internal battle but as the ‘perpetrator’, you have work to do to support the ‘victim’ in rebuilding faith in your ability to not betray their trust again. As someone who has experience betrayal, I never want to be the position to have to go through this process ever again. I mean, damn, the emotionally rollercoaster and the rise in my expectations will tip anyone over the edge. It’s not worth the fight.
To be in love is a beautiful feeling but the trick is not to just be in love but to do all things with love at the forefront. Laugh from a place of love, speak from a place of love and even argue from a place of love. When trust is broken, love doesn’t disappear, it stays but our ego is so bruised it leads us to believe that the problem is us. We must be the problem; we have failed somehow. As a self-love activist, it’s my duty to say ‘humble yourself, not everything is about you’. Why can we not take the credit for the amazing moments rather than blame ourselves for the reason why someone broke our trust. My trust journey has challenged me to jump in with no arm bands, float in the deep end and have faith that my partner will be there ready to help me if I sink. However, if for whatever reason he is not, I have learned to not panic, I know how to swim in the deep end alone, it will be scary, I may struggle, I may even want to lay on my back and float until someone comes and saves me. Either way, I believe that my past circumstances have made me resilient and reduced my fear, but it never goes away. The fear sits within your subconscious mind and pops up when triggered. My job is to recognise it as fear and remind myself to push past it at all costs.
My current relationship hosts a kind of magic that I have not experienced before, and I made the decision to let go of my float and allow the magic to devour me. Every day, fear knocks at the door and every day I tell it to piss off. Once you have felt the pain of broken trust, it never goes away but there is a beauty that I take with me, that in this moment, at this time in my life. Life is good. Whether it lasts forever is irrelevant, right now it is everything I want and everything I need. Like I said at the beginning, trust is not a vital component on my journey. Faith is. Everyone that entrs my life will be treated with love and I will have faith that they will do the same. Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something. We are humans, we have the best intentions in the world, but I don’t have a firm belief in anyone not even myself. We are human. Humans are emotionally led, reactive and prone to selfishness but I’ll tell you one thing. I have faith. That is as far as I can go on the issue for now. But everyday I’m a step closer to my goal.
Love from Charm x